Sign Language
“I hated my physical therapist,” my buddy, Jo, says. She’s dropping off some breakfast pastries to keep me fueled after my hip replacement surgery.
“Mine seems nice enough.” I bite into a cherry turnover. Recovery is going to be bad for my hips and my stomach and my behind.
Three days after surgery, I walked into the PT clinic and noticed a sign warning patients to not cuss at or harass their therapists. Maybe Jo is the reason there’s a sign.
Post-Op Day 8 I’m back at the clinic, hobbling in with a walker borrowed from my brother. You know you’re really old when you can borrow a walker from your brother.
“I’ve never seen that particular shade of purple before.” Theresa examines my leg and foot, which looks like a black and blue clown shoe. “It’s almost like the color of a dress.”
She says in her 29 years of being a therapist, she’s never seen a leg and foot so swollen and bruised. “He must have really pounded the bone.”
I feel like throwing up.
“You must have really needed a new hip.” Theresa twists my foot back and forth. “Does that hurt?”
“Yes!” Maybe this time I will throw up.
“Good to know.”
On Day 12, I drag my sorry behind into therapy with the walker.
“You don’t need that anymore,” Theresa says. She puts me on a recumbent bike for 10 minutes, then gets me on a table where more twisting and stretching ensues.
“You know, this bruising is so bad, I’m going to tape it and see if that helps,” she says. She grabs a roll of black tape and begins pushing long strips up my legs. “When you take off the tape, the bruising will be better.”
Theresa pauses and stands back. “You know, one time, I taped my initials on a patient’s leg and when I pulled the tape off, you could still see them. Maybe I should do that with you.”
“Kinda like branding a cow,” I say.
“Exactly!”
I walk around the room without a cane or a walker. “Your foot is crooked, straighten it. We’ll work on that next time.” She hands me three pages of exercises to do four times a day. I explain to her that it hurts when I do them. She shrugs.
It’s a good thing they have that sign.